So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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