textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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