my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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