ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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