This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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