I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
