Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
