I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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