Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
