im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
