you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
