Soap is not a condiment
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
