So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
