so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was like eating out sand paper
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
