I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
