she woke up with a sticky ear
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
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Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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