Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
