yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You ruined the universe
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
