Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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