What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
