I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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