I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
