i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
