awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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