Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
