One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Randomize
