life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
