I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
