He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
