Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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