my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
