Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
