A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
