I just pynch a tree in the face
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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