im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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