remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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