Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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