question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When are your genitals available?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
