i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think my moral compass just broke
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
