Got a toothbrush?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
