Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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