I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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