btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
