how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
