Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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