I'm really into asian looking animals
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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