im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
