I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm like, not good at living.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
