I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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