It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
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Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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