hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
