He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
