is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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