Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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