i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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