I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
